As the calendar year comes to a close, I sit back and think about the last 12 months. Am I where I expected to be by this time in my life? No. Am I better off than I was this time last year? Maybe. Will I be better this time next year? Hopefully.
The end of the year has always been difficult for me, I've always felt a sense of loss and guilt for not accomplishing all I wanted, and a hint of depression towards the end of December, but this year, not so much. I credit my having successful talk therapy, the right medication, and a different outlook and way of thinking about things in life. Most people think of the year in a linear sense, and that way of thinking about it doesn't work for me anymore. It makes me feel that sense of sadness and loss. I'm learning to think of time and the year the way the Pagans do- as a wheel. When thinking about the year as a wheel, then there is no real "end" and that sense of loss isn't as present. In the wheel of the year, I feel more connected to myself, to my past, to my present, to my future-whatever it may be. With this way of thinking I have more of a sense of hope on December 31st than I can remember having in years past.
Things I accomplished this year:
-I got my fear of elevators under control
-I became slightly addicted to burlesque
-I did battle with a squirrel and a bird
I blogged the alphabet
-I faced my agoraphobic tendencies by having an awesome time at PAX EASTer
-I kept my blog going fairly consistently for over a year
-I met my writing/blogging/humor hero: Jenny Lawson-The Bloggess
-I went a full 4 months (and counting) without a major depressive episode
-I met one of my childhood heroes: Rob Paulsen
-I became eligible to join SAG-AFTRA
-I Survived the 10th Doctor's regeneration into the 11th (it was difficult and highly emotional. Don't judge me)
-I got rid of my horrible job
I don't normally do resolutions for the New Year because, really, who keeps them? And when you don't keep them, you feel like a failure and get all depressed. So as this year cycles into the next, I have one goal in mind: be better. That's it. Be better. I will do what I am capable of at any given moment to be better. Be better mentally, be better physically, be a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better aunt, a better niece, a better friend, a better me. I will ask myself how past me would handle a situation, and I will ask how today me can handle it better. One goal. One goal is much less daunting than a list of "resolutions" to try to keep.
So let us all do our best to just be better, whatever it may mean.
Happy New Year.