I've been a little absent from my usual blog consistency of late and to all 2 of you who probably read it regularly and enjoy my words, I'm sorry. I was gone the week of Thanksgiving and have been slightly busy since then, but I really have no excuses for not writing. The person that kept me from writing was me. As much as I loathed my full-time job with every fiber of my being, I have felt kind of like shit ever since I lost it. As much as I hated my job, and said I wish I didn't have to work there anymore, it sucks ass to be let go. Especially right before the holidays. I'm scared. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't. A dirty rotten liar. My job was consistent. It was a miserable corporate environment where I was a verbal punching bag and chained to a desk for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for crap-all pay. But, it provided a sense of security. I had a consistent paycheck and health insurance (that I could barely afford but it meant I could get the health care I needed desperately) and now everything is unknown and it's scary. I'm afraid I won't be able to afford my share of the rent or food and that will drive a rift between me and Boyfriend and it will ruin our relationship. I'm afraid I will no longer be able to afford going to therapy and my mental state will decline again. I'm afraid I will go insane. I'm afraid I'll never make it as an actor, a voice actor, or as a writer. And before you know it, in 3 short weeks self-doubt and borderline depression have made a cozy home inside my brain.
Unfortunately, that fear is seeping into the other aspects of my life including my writing/blogging. The fear and uncertainty and self-doubt morphed into a fear of failure which turns into a nasty voice inside my head that says, "You're not good enough, so bother even trying?"
Now, I say all of this not to throw myself a pity party, but to say that the episode of The Story Board could not have been stumbled upon at a better time. It lifted my spirits and sort of rekindled that little flame of wanting to write and succeed again. It helped me ignore that voice deep inside that points and laughs at me and repeats all of my failings in my ear. I can't recommend that video enough if you are struggling. Knowing that people I look up to struggle with the very same things that I do, sometimes on a much larger scale than my own struggles, and they still succeeded gives me hope. It also made me thankful that I do blog. I have a written account of not only my struggles and mini failures, but I have a record of my success and my awesome experiences. It w=makes me want to continue on. Keep keeping on.
So, while I'm a little off-kilter at the moment, I will be better soon, I can feel it. I can't let the fear overpower me like it did once. I am stronger now. I am better now.
Thanks Wil and Jenny. You have given me more strength and hope than you know.