Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Another Collection of Open Letters

Dear Chase Bank,
Can you explain to me why your online banking never works? What's the point of being able to "manage my finances from nearly anywhere" if your apps and website don't work? You might want to work on not sucking so much. This is why I'm planning on leaving you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Soon, Chase...soon. 
Best Wishes,
A Customer Only By Default And Because it's Too Much of a Pain in the Ass to Switch Banks At the Moment
Dear Cab Driver,
Yes, it is 1am.  Yes, we are all tired.  Yes, we can tell you have no idea where you are going.  When you make a right turn instead of a left and we tell you that you need to turn around, and then you tell us you "can't make a u-turn because there's a cop right there" our reaction is going to be one filled with exhausted raging sarcasm. In this situation, we will inform you that it doesn't matter that a cop is there, it doesn't change the fact that we are now travelling south when we need to go north to get home. Sorry, we misplaced our magic wands that could magically teleport our apartment to a new location that's more convenient for you. But what do you care? You're not listening to us and your wrong turns made the cab ride cost an additional $4.  Lucky you.
Disgruntled Jess

Dear Woman Sitting Next to Me at Heartland Brewery,
Hi. Yes, I realize the seating arrangement of the restaurant has placed us within earshot of one another, but why do you think that means you can turn and interject your opinions into a complete stranger's conversation? Hmmm? Riddle me that, bitch. And, if I say I find the "relationship" between the main characters of Fifty Shades of Grey to be creepy and uncomfortable for me and I don't understand why anyone finds it erotic, then who the fuck are you to butt in and contradict me?! You don't know me or anything about my life. Mind your own fucking business or you and my steak knife are about to get real acquainted real quick.
With Appreciation,
Angry Stabby Jess

Dear Payroll Department,
Hi. Remember me? I've only worked here for 2 years and my desk is only right next to you guys. I'm the one who comes and bothers you twice a month because my paycheck is screwed up and/or missing altogether.  I know you guys have gone through 3 different directors in the past few months, and I'm sure it's difficult when the corporate payday falls on the same day as the temp department payday, but seriously? I make a piss-poor salary as it is and having to wait an extra day to get paid because someone screwed up can mean the difference between eating and not eating for a whole day. I don't exactly choose to live hand-to-mouth, but you're not making it any easier. And no, it doesn't help if you "cut me a live check today" because even if I go deposit it in the bank right this second it won't clear until tomorrow anyway! Get your shit together.
Po' ass Jess

Dear Co-Workers,
Seriously, if I hear the name Christian Grey one more time, I will throw up on each and every one of you. 
Someone who prefers intellectual stimulation from her books

Dear Century 21,
The 1980's called to apologize for vomiting prom dresses in your store, but they are quite surprised you even noticed. Oh wait. You didn't. But, then again, neither did the incredibly hairy man trying on one of said prom dresses in the middle of the store.
Fashion Cadet Jess

Dear Spell Check,
Teleport IS a word and it IS spelled correctly! Please top asking me to change it to "telephoto" or "teapot." You are dumb.
Many Thanks,
Grammar Gurl Jess


  1. Haha I love this. Sounds like something I would do- and yes, Chase banks SUCKS.

  2. Love all your varying names in the signatures, and this:

    "Riddle me that, bitch."

    ...cracked me da fuck up.

    Very therapeutic indeed. Century 21? Did a dress shop name itself after a real estate company?! I also think "teleport" to "teapot" is somewhat genius on a very strange, personal level that I can't delve into right now. Anyway...

  3. Oh my word, I adore your letters! I especially hate spell check suggesting I change words to things that don't make sense at all.


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