Tuesday, May 1, 2012

P is for Portals

Alright, I'm not saying anything groundbreaking here by professing my love for Valve's Portal games. Nor am I stating anything new or better or funnier than what's already been said about "thinking with portals."  I recently replayed Portal 2 on single player and co-op mode, plus the free DLC "conclusion" to the co-op storyline. I forgot how much I love this game, and how much I adore GLaDOS. She is one of my favorite female video game characters and probably my favorite video game antagonist. Portals in other games don't always work out so well as the fellows from Rooster Teeth hilariously showed the world in their Let's Play Mario with Portals video.

I want to believe that having a portal gun in real life would be amazing and that I would accomplish so much more, but let's be honest, after I got bored with making things fall through an infinite loop to launch them out over the Hudson, I'd really just use it to sweep my trash into and make it fall into my crazy neighbor's apartment.  Then they'd be completely dumbfounded as to why they come home to a pile of mysterious garbage, with no sign of forced entry. Take that crazy lady downstairs! We'll walk around just as loud as we want in the middle of the day! So there!

What would you use a portal gun for in every day life?

HOLY SHIT! There is a giant cockroach IN my toaster oven!!! No good day ever starts with a cockroach inside your appliances. Now I seriously want a portal gun just to dispose of all that nasty vermin in our kitchen. Blam! Orange portal in the floor. Blam! Blue portal on the outside wall of the building. Then I just sweep them all out. Mwahahahaha!
Here you go all you young whippersnappers looking to move to the glamorous New York City, here it is. Roaches.  Not like Joe's Apartment roaches where they sing and dance and contribute to society.  Nope. These little bastards are brown and shiny and disgusting.

The future needs to get here sooner.

MTV/Warner Bros. Pictures

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